Adoption: Understanding the Birthmother's Grief
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Daniel and Lisa
"We are a family now thanks to Adoption Network Law Center."
- Mike & Beth
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After the birth, Adoption Network Law Center will follow up with the
Birthmother for as long as she requests our participation. Adoption Network Law Center will
provide support to the Birthmother and Adoptive Parent(s) regarding an ongoing relationship
with the Adoptive Parent(s) and child, if this decision is made. Every effort is
made to treat the Birthmother with respect and tenderness.
- The young woman who has decided upon an adoption plan for her
child is an extraordinary person. She has faced many obstacles along the path
to her decision and the most difficult state may be yet to come; the separation
and loss of her child and the long grieving process she must experience. First,
understand the issues she’s dealt with prior to the birth.
- She has made a life changing decision, and in many cases
without much experience or support. The decision, or lack of decisions, leading
up to the unplanned pregnancy also were critical: the decision to have sex, not
to use birth control, or dealing with the fact that birth control failed her,
not to terminate the pregnancy, not to marry the Birthfather and not to rear
the child within the family. These were decisions made by default rather than
design.
- Autonomy and control are enhanced for the Birthmother whether
she’s ready for it or not. Whether she is 15 or 40, she must rapidly face
the responsibility of becoming a mother. Her age, maturity and family situation
will determine how much autonomy she will have.
- The impact on her family must also be considered. The
perception of the Birthmother may drastically change from one of innocence to a
villain. Some families abandon and mistreat her while others cling to the
little girl they are losing. Regardless, the situation is difficult to adjust
to and there are the fortunate few that have understanding, supportive and
realistic parents and extended family. The Birthmother may have been ostracized
by her family and punished. She may face tremendous pressure to keep the baby
at all costs and may have been made to feel like a terrible, selfish person to
make an adoption plan. No regard may be given to the quality of life for the
unborn child or the Birthmother, just the attitude that “we don’t
give our babies away.” Many times Birthmothers have hidden their growing
tummies and their plans in order to do what they believe is best for the
child.
- In addition to the changing family situation, many
Birthmothers feel betrayed by the Birthfather's lack of interest or involvement
in the pregnancy and adoption, and therefore express reluctance to form a new
relationship with a man. Many times she has lost the man as well as the child,
and may mistrust men in general. Repressed grief over the adoption may
interfere in her relationships in the future, causing divorce, separation and
at the very least an added dimension to a relationship that must be dealt
with.
- The Birthmother's self-image has also been changed. Shame and
embarrassment are common and many view themselves as bad. They may receive
conflicting messages regarding adoption and the giving away of one’s own
flesh and blood. Isolation and withdrawal are common even if others are
supportive. Many Birthparent(s) benefit from therapy when facing issues such as
guilt, anger, fear of sex, tenseness and uneasiness around children, a vague
fear of discovery, depression, social anxiety, chemical dependency, eating
disorders and other anxiety states. She may deal with her anxiety with denial,
fantasy or repression.
- Obviously, the Birthmother has faced adversity, made that
terrifying first phone call to an adoption placement service and is now about
to deliver and give up her child.
Adoption is a loss that isn’t as final as death. The
Birthparent(s) know that somewhere, the child they relinquished still exists. It
is an ongoing part of their lives that may never fully heal, but by
understanding and validating a Birthmother's feelings, she's that much closer
to recovery. Knowing that the baby will be loved and cherished forever is the
healing element.
What is grief? Grief is the response brought about by
the loss of a loved object or person. Be patient with the Birthmothers and they
will be so with themselves.
Encouraging Birthmothers to keep
themselves occupied, but not hyperactively busy, is standard. Allowing tears
and free emotional expression is vital. Give her the freedom to express her
emotions. Ask her how she’s feeling and listen to her answer. Encourage
her to eat well, exercise, rest and continue to express her feelings. Encourage
her to talk openly about these feelings, even if shame and embarrassment
inhibit her. She must not be avoided during this stage, it too will pass.
As time passes she will begin to see glimmers of hope. New attitudes
and feelings about life begin to develop, and she will again see the positive
in the decision she’s made. She realizes that the grief was the price she
had to pay in order to provide a better life for her baby. As closure begins,
Birthmothers may need others to assist them while some prefer to be alone. Most
enjoy affection, encouragement to participate in new opportunities and help to
see that life is meaningful.
Signs that she is improving include:
- Able to speak about loved ones
- Able to enjoy life
- No longer vents hostility
- Begins to look for ways to help others.
Express feelings of appreciation with cards, flowers and kind
words, whatever she enjoys. Understanding, love, encouragement and support can
show her that the new family is aware of what she may be experiencing. The
greatest gift an Adoptive Parent can give her is to love her child with
everything they have in their heart and soul, and most important, show her
appreciation. Through the years, the bond between a Birthmother and Adoptive
Family will continue to grow and be a source of comfort and information to the
child that brought them together.
After having had a comfortable
relationship with a Birthmother, fearing her is foolish. The Birthmother has
great respect for the Adoptive Family since they’ve taken on the
responsibility of a child that the Birthmother could not. When agreed to, the
Adoptive Parent(s) should see to it that the Birthmother always gets updated
photos and information about the child, this helps her with closure of her
wounds and lets her know that she chose the right family for her child.
Avoiding the Birthmother after birth will only make her anxious and
question her judgment that she didn’t choose warm and considerate Adoptive
Parent(s) for her baby. She may then feel haunted by her decision, and that can
only lead to stress for everyone involved.
An Adoptive Parent should
never lose sight of the incredible gift a Birthmother has bestowed upon them.
Ignoring someone so generous is against the natural flow of nature, always
cherish this selfless act of love.
In most cases, the Birthmother does
not want a continuing relationship. An Adoptive Parent should respect her
wishes but always leave an open door.
Email or call 1-800-FOR-ADOPT in confidence!
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click here to view the Adoptive Parents Adoption Video.
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