To anyone else it would have appeared that I was lying there staring up at the ceiling. To me, I was not seeing, as I lay there I was thinking instead of our lives ahead. I could see the struggle, turmoil and despair. How could we do it? We would be sentencing not only ourselves, but also our child as well to a living hell.
We had no money and no jobs to come by some. With no means of support and a baby on the way, we weighed at our options heavily. Having both been from backgrounds without much money we knew what was in store for our baby if we had even less than our families had when we were born.
We refused to think of the idea of raising our child on Welfare and shopping in the thrift stores for new clothes for school every year. Both young and naïve about the world, we knew it would be even worse than we could foresee. Thinking about all the things we needed for the baby to even come home we realized that we would be lucky if when we got there we could find a a place for the baby to sleep. Then we thought, what about the diapers and other essential things that are needed to raise a baby? Who could provide those? We sure couldn’t. Yes we could raise our child in a poor, stress-filled home, or we could do what was honestly the best for our baby. We could give someone else, who any no other means could have a family of their own a chance to fulfill their dream and be parents. We choose what was best for our baby. Through the tears we made the call that forever changed us all. We called Adoption Network and asked them about how we could find our baby a better life, one that we would never be able to give no matter how hard we tried.
The day came when we were to talk to the couple that we believe could fulfill our dream and give our baby the world. It was amazing; they were perfect in every way. They were what we wished we could be in every way. Smart, successful, wonderful people but most of all they could be the parents that we could not. They had all the means but they could not themselves have children and so desperately wished for them. We so desperately wished for the means to raise our child in a way that they could offer.
We knew it would be years down the road before we would be even close. Going out to California to have the baby and meet the couple face to face was some of the most intense and scary moments of my life. The couple was even more amazing in person than they were on the phone. Over the next few months I was there we kept in touch by phone and seeing each other when we could. The day that the baby came was simply unbelievable. After he was born, I watched my son being cleaned and wrapped up in the blanket by the nurse and I looked at the faces of my couple. The look I saw will never be describable it was truly that profound. The nurse handed me my son and I looked down on that angelic face and know in that instant what was best and the most life changing decision I have ever made. I smiled down at him with tears in my eyes. I looked up at my couple and held their newborn son out to them. Never will I forget the feelings of overwhelming peace I felt as they took him into their arms. Our baby was safe, loved and in the best place he could ever be. One day I know he will think about all this and understand and know that his birthparents loved him more than anyone can think possible, for we gave him the world that day. I thank god for showing us all the way. I hope and pray that one-day the tears will stop when I think of him and note getting to see what a wonderful man he will grow into and how it all came about, and I can smile instead knowing that we (the couple, the agency, my husband and myself) all made that possible for him to have the opportunity to get there.
Piece of my soul, Star of her eye
Piece of my heart, Light of her heart
I gave you life
She shall help you live it
We give you all of our love
Both you blessed with love and hope
A wish of one for you, a life with love and being cherished
A wish of one that you be the one she can love and cherish
A wish of one for you, a life of which she cannot give
A wish of one for a chance to rock you to sleep and see you grow, nurtured but all she can give
Two souls connected through birth
Two souls connected through life
Two souls connected through love of one
Three souls connected through love and hope
Piece of my soul, Star of her eye
I gave you life
She shall help you live it
Both filled with unending love for a special one
A special love none other than you
Halvorsen Bennett Phillips
~PH~
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