Alis Story

Alis Story

There I was sitting in the bathroom staring at the third pregnancy test hoping that somehow it would be different than the last two positive tests. This could not be happening to me! The line started to appear and it was…positive. At that moment I was feeling every emotion under the sun. I was scared, worried, anxious, ashamed, mad at myself for letting this happen.

This was not the right time and I was definitely not ready to be a mom.
I instantly started considering an abortion. Had someone asked me a day before that if I would ever get an abortion, my answer would have been “definitely not”. But there I was contemplating if that was the right choice for me. It would make all of this disappear. The more I thought about it, I realized that it just wasn’t something that I could do. It wasn’t the right choice for ME.

So, that meant I would have to parent. Or so I thought. I had this mentality of “I made my bed and now I have to lay in it”. I got myself into this mess, so I guess I had to suck it up and make it work. The life I had envisioned for myself was suddenly disappearing and all I could think about was how hard it was going to be.

Her biological father had no real interest in being a part of my pregnancy. It made me so angry that he even had that option when I was being forced to deal with the situation that WE created. He told me that he didn’t care what choice I made and that was pretty much the end of that. So not only was I facing an unplanned pregnancy, I was facing it alone. Not only was I going to have to be a mom when I wasn’t ready, but I was going to have to be a single mom.

But what choice did I have?

So I went to my appointments and I took my prenatal vitamins and carried on. I didn’t do a gender reveal or have a baby shower because it didn’t feel like an exciting time for me. I think there was a small part of me that was in denial that it was even happening. It wasn’t until I was 36 weeks that my mom asked me what I was going to do. I didn’t have anything that I needed and this baby was coming in a month! She suggested I look into adoption.

My first thought was NO! I wasn’t going to just give my baby to some stranger and never see them again. My view of adoption was what I had seen on every Lifetime movie. Making that decision would also cause me to confront that maybe I wasn’t the best option for my baby. If that didn’t make me feel like a failure, I don’t know what would.

But the fact was, she deserved better. She deserved more than I could give her.

I began looking into adoption and realized that it had changed so much. There was something called open adoption. If I am being completely honest, it seemed a little too good to be true. I didn’t understand why a family would want to get to know me and continue a relationship with me even after they had the baby. I’m not going to lie, I was skeptical.

But there was still a part of me that felt a little bit of hope that this might be the right option for me. I got to choose her family and be in control of exactly how I wanted the process to go. I had a few weeks to get to know the family, but strangely, I felt like I had known them my whole life. I felt such a strong connection to them and knew in my heart that they were meant to be her parents.

Fast forward a few weeks to July 12, 2012. I was in labor and her parents were waiting in the hospital waiting room for her to arrive. My mom and best friend were with me in the delivery room, but I knew I wanted her parents to be at the hospital to meet her right away. At 10:32am she made her grand entrance. Her parents were the first to come into the room and I will never forget the looks on their faces. Pure joy and love. That was the exact moment I knew I had made the right decision. She deserved someone to be excited for her arrival.

We spent the next few days in the hospital with each other bonding and spending time together. I wanted them to have all of the “new parent” experiences so they did all of her feeding, changing etc. I held her a few times, but for my own sake I didn’t want to have any bonding experiences with her. The love I felt for her was unlike any love I had ever experienced. It was deep. And that’s what made it so hard.

I knew it was the right decision, but it was the hardest thing I have ever done.

We left the hospital and they took her home. That was probably the hardest part for me. Going into the hospital with her in my belly and leaving alone. The next few weeks were really difficult. I cried A LOT. My heart hurt. But I never had an ounce of regret. I was grieving a significant loss and everything I was feeling and experiencing was normal. I also had an amazing advisor and counselor who walked with me through that grief.

I wasn’t alone in my pain.

It has been 8 years since I placed her with her amazing family. They have continued to include me as a part of their family and I have gotten the privilege of seeing her grow and thrive with so many opportunities. She has traveled, is getting an amazing education in a private school, and has everything she could ever want and need. I receive picture updates a few times a year and have an annual visit with her and her parents. She even came to my college graduation!

I am so honored to be a part of her life.

Her parents have never kept me a secret. She has known about her adoption story since before she could even understand what it meant. They have shown her that it is something to be proud of. They have encouraged her to ask questions and explore more of her story. Being a part of her life, I have gotten to answer some of those questions so she knows that my decision was made out of love for her and not because I didn’t want her.

I made the choice to break my own heart so that she could have a better life.

This is a decision that I have learned to be very proud of. I was able to give her the life she deserved because of adoption. Now don’t get me wrong, it has taken some time to get to the place I am today. The healing journey ebbs and flows, but with every day that passes, I heal more and more. I now choose to live my life in a way that I hope will someday make her proud. Adoption was not only an opportunity to give her the life she deserved, but also an opportunity for me to build the life I wanted.

It wasn’t easy, but it continues to be worth every ounce of pain and heartbreak I felt.

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