It finally happened…someone told me they were pregnant and instead of jealousy, sadness and thoughts of why? I truly felt joy! I know that may seem silly, weird, or even selfish to some of you. But I know there are many of you out there that are unable to conceive and wondering when that day will happen for you. I don’t think you can really put a time frame on when that pain you feel from being unable to conceive stops trickling down to every pregnant person you know and/or meet. It would be nice if you could. For me I think it took too long.
Sure, I have been over the crying phase and avoidance of pregnant women for years now. But even with that gone, I still would get a sinking feeling and a wave of jealousy every time someone I knew was pregnant. It was worse if it was a person who said they didn’t want kids, someone who made poor life choices, or just another mother getting their “boy” or “girl.”
It felt so good to just be happy for this person. I felt like I was finally acting like I should. I wish that I had it in me for years to just be happy for someone who is full of joy and experiencing a miracle. But I just didn’t, and that made me feel miserable and guilty. I’ve come to realize though that doesn’t make me a bad person. It makes me human. I wanted to be a mother and was told that was unable to conceive. So it was natural to feel jealousy when someone else was experiencing what I so desperately wanted.
Jealousy is an awful emotion. Once again, I can’t express how liberating it felt to just be happy for this expectant mommy! Not being able to conceive can leave you feeling hopeless and bitter. I’m pretty sure that’s why I struggled with feeling happy for pregnant women for so long. Yet, in the end it doesn’t really matter why I felt that way. Many of us struggle with an array of emotions during our adoption process and that’s okay.
Please know that whatever emotion you are struggling with right now is OKAY! It might make you feel like a bad person for feeling that way, but chances are you are just like me…HUMAN. So no matter where you are in your journey to motherhood, know that emotions come and go and that it’s okay to be feeling the way you are feeling right now. Take a deep breath, go for a walk and do something that makes you happy.