I was 24 when we were given a 0% chance of conceiving. Hearing I was unable to get pregnant left me heartbroken, shocked, and angry.
I was jealous of those that had what I could not have
Coming to terms with the fact that I would never have a bulging belly and feel a little one kick inside me was very, very difficult. At times I felt like no one understood. It seemed everywhere I looked, someone else was getting pregnant almost by snapping their fingers. They didn’t understand why I didn’t want to come to their baby shower or why I wasn’t full of congratulations. I was miserable. I was angry that I had been stripped of what I thought was my right as a woman. I was jealous of those that had what I could not have and felt guilty for not acting the way I “should.” It was even hard for me to be in the same room as pregnant women.
I thought once our daughter was born that the pain of seeing others pregnant would magically go away. It didn’t. That led to more guilt because I didn’t want people to think I was ungrateful for my daughter or that I wanted or needed a biological child. It really had nothing to do with that. I just wanted to be able to have something that came so naturally for others. I wanted to know what being pregnant was like. I wanted to give my children life.
Because I am unable to get pregnant I have adopted two beautiful children
As time went on, the pain of seeing pregnant women around me subsided. Sometimes I really think I wouldn’t want to ever get pregnant knowing what I do now about labor and how wonderful adoption is. My kid’s birth mothers let me in on some of the not so pleasant details of being pregnant and made me grateful that they were carrying my little bundles of joy and not me. Yet, I still cringe when I see people who don’t take care of the 5 kids they have and are pregnant again. I imagine a lot of people are bothered by that. To me it cuts deep because I am always questioning why they could conceive and my husband and are unable to get pregnant. I have learned though, that is just the way life is. If I had been able to get pregnant I wouldn’t have my two beautiful children. I couldn’t imagine my life without my witty, spunky daughter, and my sweet and mischievous son.
I still occasionally fantasize about being pregnant
That being said, I still occasionally fantasize about being pregnant. There are always those months that my period is late or I just feel “off” and I wonder, “Could I be pregnant?” Of course I never am and that’s okay. It is slightly disappointing, but it’s not crushing like it was when we were trying to conceive. Now the feelings are, Oh crap, it’s that time of month again. Time to be crabby with my hubby! rather than having a sob-fest and feeling miserable.
They say time heals. It does, but if you’re unable to get pregnant, perhaps not fully. I think I will always wonder what it would have felt like to be pregnant. It probably will always sting just a bit when someone else I know gets pregnant so easily. But this is the life I was given. I’m grateful to have the kids I do—two kids I would never have had in my life if I had gotten pregnant.