5 Ways to Sabotage Your Adoption

The road to adoption is a rocky one, even when it goes “smoothly.” There are so many things to consider and do long before you get “the call.” Once the call comes, the stress, questions and fears  just multiply. Who is the woman who chose us? Why is she choosing adoption? Is she telling the truth about her medical history? Is she scamming us? Will she change her mind? Is the Birth Father on board? What will we say to her? What does she want from us? What will our relationship be like?

It’s important that your adoption professional get some information from the Birth Mother and share it with you before you accept your adoption opportunity. These include her available social/medical history, proof of pregnancy, verification of health insurance (or help her get it if necessary), medical records if they are available, assessment of her commitment level, and evaluation of the entire situation to determine the risk level.

Once this information is shared and everyone is on board, there are still a few ways you can sabotage your own adoption and make your Birth Mother question her decision:

Trying to control the Birth Mother’s behavior and asking questions that could be misinterpreted as judgmental

  • How could you not know who the Birth Father is?
  • Have you ever thought about quitting smoking?
  • Have you considered eating organically?
  • How could you not know you were pregnant?

If you have questions, ask your adoption professional to get that information for you. The goal is to keep the relationship positive between you and your Birth Mother.

Treating the Birth Mother like she is just the oven growing your baby

Show an interest in her as a human being. Show compassion and empathy for what she is going through. Don’t have a big party with extended family in the hospital; save that for after. Be sensitive to the loss she is experiencing – it is massive. Understand that although adoption is a joyous occasion for Adoptive Parents, Birth Mothers are grieving. Honor and respect the enormous sacrifice she is making and realize that she is making this choice out of love for her child.

Calling the baby “our baby” before the Birth Mother has surrendered her parental rights

Birth Mothers can be sensitive to this. Don’t put the cart before the horse. Give her time to let go.

Posting inappropriate material on social media

You may love hunting, but guns can scare some Birth Parents. Even if you enjoy a few cocktails with your friends, try to avoid posting pictures with alcohol. Some Birth Parents could be turned off by this.

Under or Over-communicating with your Birth Mother due to fear

Your fear may cause you to avoid talking with your Birth Mother since it can be awkward at first, but she may read this as you not being interested or that adoption is not a priority for you. On the other hand, it may make you feel more secure if you text your Birth Mother every hour, but be careful not to stalk her! Find a happy medium… once a week contact is usually a good rule of thumb. Again, discuss this with your adoption professional if you’re not sure what the right compromise is for you all.

The most important thing is that you build a relationship of trust and respect with your Birth Mother. Regardless of the openness of your adoption, remember during this time that she is a woman in crisis who is making the courageous choice to give her child life and to help you build your family.

Written by Jason Granillo

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