Ben and Heather

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From Us to You

Dear Expectant Mom,

Sitting down to write a letter to you makes our hearts feel so full. Life is so much bigger than we are and right now as we write this we have yet to find you; it is humbling to think about a person we’ve never met who will have such a powerful impact on our lives. It reminds us of how small we are as individuals, yet interconnected with everything.

We will do all we can to give your baby a joyful, grateful and empowered life. We want your baby to know who you are and we are open to maintaining a relationship, consistent with your comfort level. We would love to be able to tell your child that they laugh like you or have your nose. We will raise your baby to be confident, kind, and adventurous, and we will nurture their self-expression and self-discovery. We can’t wait to hear what kinds of questions they have about all the little things and all the big things. We want to travel as much as possible as a family and as your baby grows so that our extended family and close friends – who are spread throughout several states – will be an important part of your child’s life.

Our partnership will be the foundation of our growing family. We’ve decided that legal marriage isn’t right for us and we think it is important to let you know why, because it is a purposeful decision for us. We are deeply committed to the life we’ve built together, a life that we prioritize, nurture, and choose again and again. There are so many ways to create a relationship and a family. So many ways to formalize a relationship, observe its sacredness, and create a before and an after. We recognize and respect that many couples find meaning in the legal side of getting married, but for us, it represents a history and tradition that doesn’t reflect our values. Marriage has its roots in inequality and power, historically to the disadvantage of women. We try to be thoughtful about how we live and we take the things from the marriage tradition that are meaningful to us. We honor the equal partnership that we’ve created outside of legal marriage.

Adoption is another purposeful choice for us. We didn’t try to have biological children first before arriving at adoption; adoption is how we are choosing to grow our family. We are grateful and happy to now be starting this journey and we are excited to see how it will unfold for us.

After reading our profile, you’ll hopefully have a glimpse into who we are and how we’ll approach parenting – and if you would like to share your story with us. What is important to you that your child knows about where they came from? What values do you want your child to learn and what are your dreams for their life? We can’t wait to learn more about you and your story.

Much love,
Heather and Ben

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Why We Are Choosing to Adopt

We talked about adoption early in our relationship. All of the different ways that families grow and come together are beautiful. Both of us feel particularly pulled toward the beauty of adoption and we’re both wholly invested in building our family in a spirit of openness, inclusiveness, and support, and adoption feels like a natural, if not inherent, extension of that idea. There is something lovely about the interconnections that are formed and spread through adoption; connections that otherwise would not come to be. We have a lot of love to share and we can’t wait to open our hearts to your baby, the person they are, and the traits and background they bring with them. Family is meant to help a child discover who they are and what gives them purpose – and finding that right along with them. We cannot express how exciting it would be to raise a baby whose birth mom chooses us.

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About Heather, by Ben

Heather is the most sincere and profoundly wholehearted person I’ve ever met. My initial impression on our first date, which the past 5 years has only reinforced, was that she is truly interested in finding a path of her own, even though it looks different from the common one that a lot of our friends and colleagues follow. Heather is always more interested in exploring new experiences and providing service to others. We both went to school and studied law, but she left big law firms to work for legal aid helping clients with things like unfair evictions and foreclosures. Heather’s always been involved in homelessness support, both in terms of spending time with folks as well as giving personal resources, volunteering time and legal advice, and fundraising. And Heather has a joy for the little things every day that I am constantly amazed by: she will decide on a plan or challenge for herself – like finishing an Ironman or just a fun day hike – and always stays grounded in getting everything out of the process of getting there, instead of just reaching the endpoint. I am so thrilled to see her become a mom so she can share her love and excitement for everything human and humane with a whole, tiny, other human being. She’s so curious about what kind of person your baby will want to become. She’ll be amazing.

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About Ben, by Heather

I love the way that Ben interacts with the world; so natural, attentive, and with humor. Ben is both witty and silly, constantly infusing humor into everyday situations, and I am excited for your baby to get to laugh with us. I can just picture your baby growing up giggling with Ben! Ben is open to what life has to offer and doesn’t stick too tightly to expectations. If I wake up and say, “Let’s go do a hike we’ve never done before!”, Ben just starts packing up the snacks and says, “Great, let’s do it!” Speaking of snacks, in our house, Ben and our cat Mille are “Team Snacks” (whereas our other cat Mortie and I are “Team Fancy” (it’s facetious!)). Ben loves trying new foods and believes that one of the best ways to explore a new place or culture is through the food. He is an amazing cook and I (and soon your baby will) definitely benefit!

I’m afraid of flying and whenever we fly together Ben just sits next to me, unphased. He doesn’t need to fix it, or me. He just lets things be and my anxiety run its course. To me, having his presence and stability are what’s most helpful. Ben finds beauty in all the small things. It’s the beginning of winter and new moss has started to grow on our driveway and in our front yard. He could see it as a new chore to add to the list, but Ben walked outside the other day and just said, “Wow, that’s so pretty!” Ben faces whatever comes his direction with grace and kindness and compassion. Ben’s heart is so big; he’ll let your baby be whoever they are or want to be, just like he lets me be me and express whatever I need to in any given moment. Ben prioritizes us and our home and I know he will be a father first and make your baby feel so loved. And he’ll show up with curiosity and caring any time our family or this baby faces adversity, willing to leap out of his comfort zone.

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Our Lifestyle

We enjoy an active and laid back life where we value adventure, travel, public service, time with loved ones, and snuggling with our kittens. When we’re active you may find us trail running, hiking, doing yoga, biking (Ben: mountain; Heather: road), skiing (Ben), or swimming (Heather). When we’re relaxing, you may find us strolling through our neighborhood or the local farmer’s market, watching a movie, reading, listening to music, cooking at home, or attempting to garden (it wasn’t a wild success this year, our thumbs aren’t very green yet!). Having your baby join our adventures will make them all the more special. And as your baby gets older, we can’t wait to see what activities they gravitate toward, whether it is chess or water coloring!

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Home & Neighborhood

At the beginning of 2020 (and COVID), we moved from California to the Pacific Northwest and settled in a new home – the first house for both of us! We looked at houses for months, mostly because we were committed to living in our favorite neighborhood near a gigantic park with miles and miles of trails and enormous walnut and fir trees, with moss all over them like something out of a Disney cartoon. The neighborhood is still close to a lively part of the city that we love – little independent theaters, restaurants, and we do a lot of our grocery shopping at the local farmer’s market. We love spending Saturday mornings strolling among the outdoor vendors, buying our week’s food, and snacking on impulse purchase treats. We can’t imagine a more fun place to raise a child.

Our home is a cute little one-story, built into a hill with room to grow in the basement someday soon. There’s a giant sequoia out front and some staggeringly-tall Douglas firs on the sides. The living room – where we spend most of our time together cooking, reading, working, and watching movies – has large windows facing out to a cherry tree that turns the whole house pink in the spring and gold in the fall. The second room has bookshelves and big windows that will soon hopefully be a little one’s bedroom, although mostly Ben uses it for afternoon naps for now. There are a bunch of families and kids nearby, basketball backboards up all over the place, those fun streetside mini-libraries, fruit trees along the sidewalk (so many pears and apples!!), and miles of park for all of us to play in. We can’t wait to walk these trails with this baby in a wrap carrier; we want them to grow up surrounded by trees.

In 2022, we adopted Izzy, a golden retriever puppy! Izzy has brought us so much joy. She is a sweet and sassy little banana who finds the silliness in all things. She loves running for miles on a beach or trail and tumbling around with other puppies. She teaches us to be more playful.

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Our Families

Although we’re both independent people, family plays an important role in our lives and has shaped and informed the people we’ve become and the parents we hope to be.

Heather: I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area with my parents and younger brother. My parents emigrated from England before I was born and my extended family is overseas so growing up holidays and family life were very close-knit with just the four of us. My parents still live in northern California and my brother lives in southern California. We all do family Zooms once a week to stay connected. This will be my parents’ first grandchild and I know they will adore and spoil them; my parents will be a great source of support for us. My friend circle is scattered around as I have lived in both California and New York. Many of my girlfriends have children and I look forward to many sources of advice, listening ears, and love!

Ben: I grew up in Western Colorado. My mom always brought a spirit of openness and interest in the outside world – when I was 9, a painter from Beijing came to live with my family for a year, and we had a steady stream of exchange students as I got older. My dad was always committed to spending time outdoors with them – hiking, biking, skiing, fishing, all the -ings. And my sister was always the best and hardest-working student in the class. She’s also grown into an incredible parent to two twins (both turned 11 in January). And her empowering and empathetic approach to raising them – seeing them both as kids and their own, independent people at the same time – is something I have loved watching and want to approach raising our kids the same way.

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Family Traditions

We grew up with close families and want to keep our traditions going. For the past several years, we have gone on a camping trip over the 4th of July with Ben’s sister and Heather’s family; the most recent trips have been to the Sawtooth Mountains in Idaho and the San Juan Islands in Washington. Heather’s family loves to go to Kauai, Hawaii for a warm vacation during the winter months, and to hike the mountains in Yosemite in the summer.

We love taking long weekend trips to places we’ve never been before. We’ll rent an Airbnb, explore the area with a run or a hike, cook and check out new restaurants, and spend time getting to know whatever that place has to offer. We can’t wait to share these adventures with your baby and learn what puts a smile on their face. When they get a bit older, we’ll look to them for ideas of where they’d like to explore.

Thanksgiving is one of both of our favorite holidays; we enjoy big cooking projects on Thursday (sweet potato casserole, mushroom stuffing, cauliflower latkes, to name a few) and then going on a hike and ordering pizza the next day. We wonder what types of food your baby will grow to enjoy most!

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Racial & Cultural Diversity in Our Lives

We know and appreciate that no parent can be everything for their child, no matter how the relationship came to be. In adoption, there is always something very tangible and obvious that a child doesn’t get from the adoptive parent, and in the case of trans-racial adoption, will necessarily include elements of racial and cultural identity. We understand that if your baby’s background is different from our own, it is important for them to grow up connected with people of their racial and ethnic heritage. We are committed to providing this. We are eager to immerse ourselves in a journey of learning about your baby’s culture to the extent we are unfamiliar. We will make decisions about schools, extracurricular activities, family outings, and our own social relationships and daily life with these considerations in mind. It will be an open topic of conversation in our house. We are open to seeking out mentorship opportunities targeted toward transracial or culturally diverse adoption.

We both grew up in largely white communities – Heather in a suburb of San Francisco and Ben in western Colorado – and we recognize that our identity and experience are inextricably linked to that. But both of us also seek out a diversity of friendships, cultures, and viewpoints that help us see the world as a dynamic, three-dimensional place that is made better and richer for all of the differences within it. As parents, our goal will always be to broaden the people we and our children become, and a large part of that will be finding inspiration from people and places that reflect the heritage our child comes from.

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Why We Like to Travel

Travel is an important part of our lives. It’s both a way to get outside of what makes us comfortable and learn about the ways people around the world are both different and the same. Traveling is also a big part of how we’d like to raise your baby, so she or he has a sense of how big the world is and how many paths they have to choose in life.

After we decided to settle down in the Pacific Northwest, we took some time away from our jobs to travel together for an extended period. We spent a few weeks hiking a section of the Pacific Crest Trail in Oregon and several months exploring South East Asia (Laos, Myanmar, Thailand, Indonesia) and New Zealand. The first big trip we ever took together was a glorious biking trip in Provence, France. One of the days we climbed to the top of Mont Ventoux, which was so challenging – we had to stop to take a break every quarter mile and catch our breath! We often talk about how magical it will be to start traveling as a party of three.

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What Kind of Parents We Aspire to Be

We want to teach our children that they can do anything and also that achievement – whatever that looks like to them – requires effort, humility and vulnerability. We will be present, listen to them, look them in the eye, treat them with respect, ask them questions, trust their opinions, tell them when they did something wrong, and hear them when they tell us that we did something wrong. And when we falter in this, we’ll be kind to ourselves and each other, acknowledge it and become better. We don’t pretend to know all the answers, and we’ll be learning along the way with your baby. We’re excited to find out what makes your baby laugh, what kind of books they love, or if they want to draw or finger paint instead of playing outside.

Above all else, we will always be there, unconditionally.

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Our Promise to You

We promise that we will accept and appreciate what every day brings. We will be grateful for all of the joyous times, big and small, and we will face the challenging times with our whole hearts. We’ll teach your baby to be curious like Ben, compassionate like Heather, and brave and vulnerable like you. We want them to have a sense of their place in the world, and it’s important to us that they know you and any part of your story that you want to share, so we’ll always be open to how you want to be in your child’s life.