Marshall and Wesley

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From Us to You

Hi!

So this is an unusual letter to write. It might even be a little strange for you having to read these letters. This is a very big decision for everyone involved. For both you and us it is like trying to put together how we want our family to look, how we want our futures to look and, at the end of the day, we are basically putting together a hodgepodge family at whose center is this human that everyone just wants to have the best life. It’s hard to plan for a future when you aren’t 100% sure what it might look like, but just be guided by what you feel will be best. You are making a tough, big decision and that fact does not escape us. Our only hope is that something about us will jive with something about you.

Our names are Wesley and Marshall and we have been married for seven years. Marshall is a goofy nerd who loves board games and cheesy pun jokes. He has a steady government job (with occasional wacky hours but plenty of paid vacation time to compensate), the deepest commitment to his family’s safety and wellbeing and some serious cooking skills. Wesley is super quirky and enjoys any creative outlet she can find, from baking cakes, sewing costumes, and painting the playroom walls. She is a stay-at-home mom, which is a perfect fit for her patient and nurturing personality.

Our son, Ira, is three years old and is already quite a friendly extrovert. He is excited that he will have a little brother or sister to play with someday. Ira is also deaf. He wears two cochlear implants and we are raising him to be bilingual, using both American Sign Language and spoken English. Having a kid who is born with their own language and culture that is completely different from our own has been an exciting and wild ride. We hope that we can have the same opportunity with any baby we adopt.

We want you to know that if you decide we are the family for you we see you as a part of our extended family. We would like to have as open an adoption as you are comfortable with. You are an important part of our family, not just to your baby, but to us, to Ira, and our overly friendly dog Simon! We want you to know that we will respect any level of involvement you are comfortable with.

We had a super hard time through IVF getting pregnant but eventually were successful. After having Ira we decided that we wanted to have another, not only were we having an amazing time watching this tiny human come into himself but also for the opportunity for him to have a sibling to grow up with. When we tried IVF with our last remaining embryo, it miscarried. After taking a step back we decided that starting the IVF process all over again was not the right path for us. We both come from small families and the chance to expand our own family, both with another child and with anyone else who is connected to that child, felt like the right path for us.

We are excited to be considered as future adoptive parents for your child, and we get that this is a big, ginormous, difficult decision. Maybe there is something about our creative, nerdy, sign languaging, loving, supportive, dog-obsessed family that somehow fits into what you see for your child’s and your own (in some way) future. Thank you again for taking the time to learn about us; we look forward to having the opportunity to learn about you.

Thank you again,
Wes, Marshall, Ira and Simon the dog

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Why We're Choosing to Adopt

We both grew up with one other sibling and we believe that there are many benefits to this upbringing that out weight being an only child. It’s valuable for each sibling to have someone to grow up with to learn to share, look out for each other and just to have someone while they are teenagers to share a look from across the dinner table that their parents are totally lame. Getting pregnant and being pregnant with Ira was very difficult. It took several failed tries of different infertility treatments and two egg retrievals to have enough embryos for a successful pregnancy through IVF. And the second that pregnancy took, Wesley was sick, nauseous and throwing up for the next nine months. After we had our Ira, we understood how awesome having kids and being parents was, and started thinking about how we could have more. We still had one single frozen embryo left from our last try to get pregnant but when tried to use it, it became a chemical pregnancy and miscarried. We took a step back to recover from the loss and to regroup and reevaluate. We both still wanted a bigger family but Wesley did not feel like she could physically or emotionally start over with all the infertility treatments again. After a little research, we felt that an open adoption was how we wanted to grow our family.

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About Wesley, by Marshall

Wesley and I met online in the Fall of 2010. I messaged her, and thankfully, she emailed me back, beginning regular correspondence and eventually our marriage. Wesley has many qualities I can’t help but fall more in love with every day, but the most important, the one that informs all others, is her authenticity. Wes is superbly confident and secure with who she is and doesn’t pretend to be anything she’s not. Wesley is an introvert at heart, so getting to know Wesley can be a lengthy endeavor, but a worthwhile one, as who she is reflects her values.  Wesley values kindness; it’s something she exemplifies through her interactions with her family and others, her perpetual love of Mr. Rogers’ simple (yet relevant) message that we should be better neighbors to one another, her past volunteer work and aspirations for future family efforts of the same. Other qualities of Wes’s that I enjoy are her artistry and expressiveness, qualities she flexes in decorating our home, crafting clothing for our family, and the confections she bakes for anyone in her life; tangible (and in some cases delicious) evidence of her commitment to showing love through deeds rather than just words. I deeply value the patience and level-headedness Wes brings to our marriage, and I couldn’t ask for a better partner, or a better mother for our child.

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About Marshall, by Wes

As soon as Marshall introduced himself to me as an unapologetic nerd, I knew that this was someone I needed to meet. He is a liberal news junkie who loves all things fantasy and board games. He was even the one to introduce himself to me, an act that is also a big part of who he is. He has a take-initiative, friendly demeanor that he brings to everything he does. He is also a wildcard, for someone who is that much of a past high school band marching, dice rolling, fantasy battle gaming nerd, one would not think that a job as a Customs Officer would be a profession that would be a good fit. But as anyone who has talked to him about his job will quickly learn, he feels it is his calling and is a big part of who he is. He loves what he does and loves that his job requires the integrity and drive that is such a big part of his everyday life. Having a job that not only makes him feel as though he is making a difference but also provides the stability for his family is very important to him. Marshall is a great dad and husband. He can come home from a long work day, see that his wife is exhausted and he will tell her to go take a nap while he and Ira play cars on the floor. He is always trying to be the very best person he can be.

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Our Sweet Pup

We have a ten-year-old dog named Simon. We brought home this shepherd mixed mutt from the pound when he was just eight weeks old and he has been our constant companion ever since. This dog loves to be around people! We take him everywhere dogs are allowed, restaurant patios, parks, community events, car rides to pick our toddler up from school, and all he wants is for every human within eyesight to pay him attention. He has what Wesley has termed “puppy toddler temper tantrums” of sing-howling at anyone nearby to come and pet him. He positions himself so he is in the middle of a busy walkway so everyone walking by will be able to see him and acknowledge what a ‘cute dog’ he is. Once he gets his pets and recognition he will then turn back into a calm dog and come back to his family. If it wasn’t for his obnoxious need for attention he would actually be a good therapy dog. He doesn’t like anyone in our house to be upset and will immediately get up to comfort whoever is having a hard time. If one of us is sick he will stay right next to us, sometimes even lying on top of our laps, it’s his way of trying to make us feel better. When Wesley was pregnant and throwing up every single day, Simon was right there next to her on the bathroom floor while she was sick. He earned the nickname of Nana Dog, from Peter Pan, after being right by her side “taking care of her.” He is an important member of our family; we have even written goofy songs about him. He is the very best dog.

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Our Home

We live in the suburbs in Arizona. We chose to live here because it is halfway between Marshall’s work and the closest big city. We love our house and we bought it for the playroom off the kitchen. Wesley has been working on a big, color stenciled wall and she hopes that it will be completed soon. We have been working on the backyard to make it as inviting as possible for the part of the year it’s not too hot to be outside. We have soft, artificial turf to run around on, a jungle gym to climb on, some brick pavers to scoot a tricycle on and a sandbox to build sandcastles and work on various construction projects. Our neighborhood is very quiet and safe. There are several parks within walking distance from our house as well as a neighborhood pool. We walk to the parks a lot, which has been great for getting to know our neighbors and the regular dog walkers.

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Our Families

Wesley’s family is mostly here in Arizona. Her younger brother, Jacob, and his wife Ally live pretty close and we see them at least a few times a year to catch up over lunch. Wesley’s father, Roger, lives close enough to visit around once a month, much to Ira’s delight. A visit from granddad often means getting to play in and around his pickup truck, and Roger provides much-appreciated services as a babysitter, handy-man, and bargain-hunter. On special occasions or sporadic trips we see Roger’s siblings and their respective families. On her late mom’s side, Wesley’s Aunt Diane and Uncle Dan are regular presences in our lives as they live close by; they’re frequent guests of ours around major holidays, and we do video-chats with them throughout the year. Marshall’s family is much more spread out and as such we don’t see them quite as frequently. Marshall’s parents, Lou and Roberta, live in New York State, and chat with us over the phone. Marshall’s sister, Adrienne, lives in Central CA and visits us twice a year to play with Ira at splash pads, give Simon the endless adulation he craves, and to geek out with Marshall. Our friends are spread out over the country, though we have a few who live locally who are our most frequent guests and hosts. Beth and Miranda, with whom Wesley went to school, live with their families nearby and like to meet up with us for coffee or dinner. Javid, whom Marshall met through their shared hobbies, also lives close and meets up with Marshall to play tabletop and card games.

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Our Lifestyle

We would describe our lifestyle as relatively low-key, with an emphasis on finding a good work-life balance and plenty of time for leisurely or artistic pursuits. Daily life for Marshall usually consists of going to work from the early morning through the early afternoon, coming home and relaxing or catching up on chores until Ira comes home from pre-school; for Wesley it’s playing with Ira in the morning, getting him ready and dropping him off at school, and pursuing house chores or craft projects until it’s time to pick him up. When Ira comes home from school, we spend the afternoon playing (either in the house, the backyard or at a neighborhood park depending on Ira’s mood and the weather) and Marshall usually cooks dinner for the family to eat all together. As a family we all enjoy taking walks (or in Ira’s case wagon-rides!) around the neighborhood, and having meals together, whether home cooked or venturing out to try a new restaurant or an old favorite. Reading is a big part of our life; Marshall enjoys reading news articles, recipes and fantasy novels, while Wesley enjoys non-fiction and humorous essays as well as romance novels. Ira is an insatiable bookworm with a love of picture books which can be measured in hours spent pouring over his favorites and discovering new ones on frequent trips to the local library. Ira also enjoys music and loves to have dance parties around our living room. On weekends, Marshall loves grocery shopping, (no, really, he LOVES grocery shopping) and bringing along Ira, while we all make special effort to attend events locally and around the city, such as community festivals, Deaf family get togethers, Parks and Recreation sponsored events, and parades.

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Family Traditions

Our traditions as a family are best described as pleasantly conventional, centered on major holidays, quirky, and still developing. We celebrate birthdays together; one tradition we keep with birthdays is making or buying each other a special dessert to celebrate. We do not limit ourselves to cake for this, donuts are a frequent favorite owing to their awesomeness and Wes’s history as a professional baker who, after a day of baking and decorating cakes, did not want to come home and simply make more cake. During the holidays we decorate the house, but we prefer bright and rainbow-colored décor to make the house feel more like a pride week kickoff-party than the set of “Christmas Vacation.” Chinese food is a staple for our dinners on Christmas Eve. We have a tree and enjoy opening presents under it Christmas morning (or afternoon if Marshall has to work that day) and eating potato latkes to celebrate Hannukah. During the Passover season, we have a Seder. Once a year, for either Christmas or Halloween, we host a party. Perhaps our most important tradition isn’t a timed ritual, rather it comes into play when someone in the house is sick: Marshall cooks matzo ball soup.

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What Adoption Means to Us

Adopting a child is how we are choosing to grow our family. It means Ira will go from an only child to a sibling. It means we will have another tiny human to care for and help them become the person they develop into, and we look forward to not only discovering their personality but learning about a different culture or race from our own so your child can be immersed and grow into their own identity. It also means that our family will grow as we add you, their birth mother and your family into our extended family. (Again, extended family’s role and involvement can be defined by the birth family, but they are an extension of the child and therefor an extension of our whole family.)

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What We will Teach our Children

We will teach our children kindness, to have empathy for everyone they meet and the compassion to want to help people besides themselves. Mr. Rogers is a personal hero for Wesley; she wants her kids to be able to have patience as they go out into the world to connect with other people, to be able to take their time and make space for the people they interact with. They will know that they are amazing just the way they are and they will be able to appreciate what makes those around them different. We will teach them to be a part of their community by helping others and volunteering. Before having Ira, Wesley volunteered at the local AIDS organization and she hopes when the kids are old enough the family can volunteer at an organization together. Integrity is an important principle to Marshall and we will encourage our children to always to what is right for its own sake. Beyond just helping them become good humans, we want our kids to be creative and silly. They need to know that random dance parties in the living room are necessary after a bad day, or even if they are just feeling goofy. Tickles, telling jokes and anything that brings uncontrollable laughter are some of the best feelings. Growing up, each of our parents were totally encouraging in our own unique interests and expressions. For Marshall it was his love of super nerdy board games and for Wesley it was dying her hair purple and wearing tie dyed bellbottoms and other outlandish clothes. We hope that no matter what weirdness our kid has, that we can make them feel proud of it.

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Our Hobbies

For our family, hobbies are an important part of the work/life balance we pursue individually and together. Now that the pandemic has started to slow down, we plan to pick traveling back up. Before having Ira in 2019, we would regularly travel for vacations, going to New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Canada and the U.K, among other places. Whether traveling or local, we love learning about history and culture together; museums feature prominently in our outings. Likewise, we enjoy seeing animals together; we’re members at the local zoo, and have taken Ira to the local petting zoo, where he enjoyed meeting the pigs (and Marshall enjoyed meeting EVERYTHING). Entertainment is something we also enjoy together; We both enjoy watching musical theater productions and can’t wait to introduce Ira to musicals as well. Apart from our jointly-enjoyed leisure pursuits, we enjoy our own separate hobbies too. Wesley brings her artsy side to life in thinking up and producing various craft projects such as illustration, home-made house decorations, home-sewn costumes and clothing, painted works, and professional-quality decorated cakes and confections. Marshall collects tabletop and card games, and enjoys spending free time building and painting models. Ira’s hobbies include reading books, playing with toy cars, baking with Wesley (stealing bites of chocolate chips and other baking ingredients), and pretending to be a dog. Our dog Simon enjoys his hobbies of long naps, car rides, begging for strangers’ attention and searching out any food Ira drops.

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The Kind of Parents we Are

We already have an idea of what kind of parents we are and strive to be. We are dedicated to raising both physically and mentally healthy kids who are good humans as they navigate the world. Right now with a toddler, we are constantly talking about emotions so Ira can identify what he is feeling and will feel comfortable talking about them. We are the kind of parents that value playing and reading books over screen time. If that means we are reading the same book for the eighth time, that is so much better than passively watching something. We feel that they will have the rest of their lives to use screens in their daily life and that it is important to enjoy playing and using their imaginations while they are young. We are committed to learning every day to be the best parents for our kids. For Ira that means learning sign language and taking classes to involve ourselves in deaf culture. For your child we would take the same initiative in learning about their culture/race. We strive to be gentle and patient parents, as yelling and raised voices have no place in how our household deals with conflicts. We are honest parents because we would want our kids to learn from our example and reciprocate with us. We would like to think of ourselves as goofy parents. We like playing dress up in costumes and are completely supportive if our kid wants to dress up as a doggy when we go to the grocery store. We get down on the floor and play pretend in whatever game is being thought up.

Racial and Cultural Diversity

Our family views on race and culture skew progressive: If our adopted child comes from another race or culture we wouldn’t try and raise them as white or color-neutral, rather we’d want them to explore and be proud of their culture and racial identity. To that end, we’ve got a lot of commitment, some education, and a little experience to work with. Marshall’s Jewish; a culture Wesley had minimal exposure to with its own traditions and norms Wesley’s learned about. Our son Ira was born deaf, and we both continue to learn about and immerse ourselves in Deaf culture through classes and attending events. Marshall speaks Spanish and works in a diverse environment, frequently dealing with international travelers. Aside from simply exploring and being proud of your child’s racial and cultural identity, we’d be honest with them about what those concepts mean: The world isn’t colorblind. Let’s address the elephant in the room; we’re a white family looking to adopt and that adoption includes the strong possibility the child won’t be white. We’d need guidance on how to teach children in age-appropriate terms about race and racism, but as parents we’re committed to beginning those discussions early, and continuing them often. Ultimately what we’d want to communicate to your child is that race, though an artificial social construct, will unfortunately exert a very real influence over their lives and peoples’ attitudes and actions towards them. Regarding the history of race and racism in America, we’d want them to know we are living it every day, that racism isn’t by any means a thing of the past, and that it exerts influence on current events. We would want their recognition of the horrors of the past and injustices of the present to influence how they build resilience strategies to deal with racism in their lives. That honesty needs to cut both ways, though; it’s nice to think we’re a happy anti-racist woke family, but we’re white, and white privilege is real. We make every effort not to indulge it, to call out its ugliness whenever we come across it, but we also need to recognize it may at times blind us to racism being directed toward a child of color. We hope it never does, but we will continue to educate ourselves to better recognize it and respond effectively.

Our Careers

Wesley spent years as a professional baker and cake decorator after studying art. Aside from simply being a job, baking and decorating provided Wesley with a creative outlet and a platform for artistic expression whose final product also happened to be super-yummy. Since she and Marshall decided to start a family together, Wesley has devoted herself full-time to motherhood. Aside from having natural talent, optimal temperament and necessary patience for parenting, Wesley’s attitude towards motherhood- her dedication to instilling her children with kindness, imagination and creativity- reflects a true passion for it. She finds it exciting to watch and guide a tiny infant as they turn into a fully-formed person.

Marshall began and continues his career as a U.S. Customs and Border Protection Officer. He was recently promoted and currently serves as a supervisor; instructing, leading, and evaluating a team of officers screening travelers attempting to enter the United States. Marshall’s work gives him a sense of purpose, and he takes immense pride and satisfaction knowing that he’s serving his community and country. While he works full-time, he takes his responsibilities at home as a dad just as seriously. Both of us decided to start a family with the knowledge that parenthood would be our true calling beyond any job or career. Our shared passion and goal is to provide our children with the tools necessary for them to become the best human beings they can be.

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Our Relationship with You

We would like to have whatever kind of relationship that you are comfortable having. We see you as our extended family. As with all families, there are some that you are super close with and others you maybe don’t see as much, we want to make sure that you are comfortable with your involvement. You are an important person in ALL of our family members’ lives, not just the child you gave birth to. We are all kind of adopting each other into this new, stitched together family. We come from small families so any opportunity to expand and add more people is always a welcomed opportunity. It is our belief that the more open this relationship is the better an understanding your child will have about where they come from, meaning their race, culture, family history and adoption story.

How a Child will Enrich our Lives

The family of our dreams always included two children. We each grew up with one sibling and want Ira to know the joy of being part of a family which includes one of his own. Speaking from our experience, growing up with a house that included a sibling with all that entails – responding to their needs, learning to respect their boundaries, sharing, loving and learning to resolve conflict – forced us to be better versions of ourselves and we want that for Ira. We feel strongly that Ira’s sibling will help him develop and maintain the social and mindfulness skills necessary to share a household with someone of the same generation with their own feelings/needs; skills which will improve the quality of his interpersonal relationships for the rest of his life. Likewise, Ira will help his sibling develop and maintain those same skills in turn. It’s often said that having a child is like having your heart living outside of your body. It’s a little cheesy, but that’s been our experience, except the heart in question plays, imagines and smiles, and getting to watch all that is priceless. We’ve taken so much joy in watching Ira grow and develop a personality, and we look forward to doing the same for another son or daughter we’re lucky enough to adopt. Whatever their personality is, we have faith that they’ll help complete our family. We also look forward to eventually seeing what kind of lives, households, and families they forge on their own.

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Our Promise to You

We can promise you that we will love your child and do everything in our ability to raise them to be kind and silly. We will help them explore anything that interests them as they learn about themselves and the world around them. We can promise you that we will support and advocate for your child as they navigate through all the difficult parts of growing up. We can promise that we will have an open adoption as much as you are comfortable with and, no matter what that comfort level is, you will be referred to as an amazing woman who loves them and wants what is best for them. We can promise that they will be raised in a safe and stable environment. Every child is different and we will help them figure out the tools they need to be successful in whatever they choose to do.

We can promise that we will teach your child through example of how to navigate their emotions. To us this means that we will not become confrontational or physical when it comes to discipline. We will raise them as active participants in their community and in their native culture. We will be a multicultural household, with Ira’s Deaf culture, Marshall’s Jewish culture, Wesley’s quirky rainbow-Mr. Roger’s culture (if that is such a thing) and whatever culture your child is a part of.