My Daughter’s Birth Father

Birth mother, Haley Kirkpatrick, shares her experience with the birth father, who wanted no involvement with the pregnancy or birth of their child.

When I told the birth father that I was expecting, his first response was to try and deny that the child could be his. Even though he knew that our one sexual encounter was my first, ever. His second response was to not only suggest abortion, but tell me that it was the only option. There was no sympathy. No concern for my well-being or emotional state, only excuses. Excuses to make it so he could accept zero responsibility for what we both created.

Over the next few weeks the birth father informed me that he was switching high schools to avoid “drama.” He told his mother and this was her solution. Not to make her son step up and help me make the hardest decision of my life, but to run away.

I was so angry and bitter. How could he move away and pretend like this never happened? It expanded my teenage body to the point of no denial. I had no choice. I could not just “run away” from this. This was now my life. No matter what choice I made, my life would forever be changed.

The birth father had absolutely zero contact with me during the pregnancy except to ask when and where to sign the paperwork. The day she was born, I called him to let him know that his beautiful daughter was here. Healthy, strong, and enjoying her new family. I told him that if he wanted to see her this would be the time. He said that he had no desire to see her and asked me not to contact him again. That was that.

It has been nearly 8 years since that gorgeous little girl entered the world. Eight years and the birth father has never once asked what her name is. If she looks like him. Where she is. Who she is with. Nothing. I know a lot of birth parents prefer no contact just because it is too painful. I get that. I really do. But the part that made me so angry was the lack of apology, lack of recognition, and lack of respect.

So with all of that said, I do have a few words for the birth father, some of which Katy Perry puts perfectly in her song “Roar”: “You helped me down, but I got up/I went from zero, to my own hero/and you’re gonna hear me roar.”

To the birth father of our child:

You may have helped me down, but I got up. You may have escaped the responsibility of your child, but I didn’t. And I am so grateful I didn’t. We created a beautiful life. A life that has blessed countless others. I will never deny that. I will never run away from that. I went from zero to my own hero, without your help, and without your support. I did it. I created beauty from ashes. Now you can listen as I “roar” and proudly share my adoption story with anyone who will take the time to listen.

I truly do hope that one day you will realize the magic you missed out on. I truly do hope that you will at least ask what her name is, or ask if she is okay and happy. But if you never do, it won’t affect me and my journey. I won’t allow it to.

Sincerely,
The mother of your child