While looking through old pictures to attach to recent blogs, I came across some heart wrenching adoption pictures of our son’s birth mother. It was a picture taken at a hotel when our son was just a mere 3 days old. This was the day when my son’s two older brothers got to meet him for the first time. The picture that brought tears to my eyes was one of my son’s birth mom feeding him a bottle. The love and sadness in her eyes is so intense and overwhelming. You can feel her pain and turmoil. I remember when that picture was taken and what was going on in the room. One of the boys was harassing his mom to let him feed the baby. She told him she was going to feed him and that was that. She shot him a “don’t even go there” look. I remember watching her feed our son and feeling her pain. At the same time insecurities bubbled up inside of me. Was she going to change her mind right here and now? No, of course she wouldn’t, I quickly reassured myself. She hadn’t given any sign of that. Yet, from experience, I knew that sometimes even when everything seems to be on track something can very easily derail it. Even though her pain was immense, she selflessly chose to stick with her adoption plan.
I came across other adoption pictures of his birth mother that captured her raw emotion, taken just moments before she said goodbye to her baby for the very last time. At the time she didn’t know that was her last goodbye. She had planned to seeing him the day before we left to travel home. It was just too hard for her. She has these same pictures. I find myself wondering if she looks at them or if they are too painful. If she does look at the pictures, I wonder if she is reminded that was the last time she held that precious baby boy. Only she knows. I wish I could tell her how those pictures make me feel. I feel immensely saddened by her pain and incredibly overjoyed by her selflessness. Both captured perfectly in those few pictures. Someday my son will really look at those pictures. I know he will see the amount of love the woman who gave him life had for him. Adoption can be beautiful, but it can be a beautiful tragedy for some involved. My adoption pictures of his birth mother speak to that.
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