TELLING THE BABY’S FATHERPerhaps you aren’t sure how to talk about your choice with the baby’s father. Maybe you’ve broken up or you’re not sure who the father is. There could be reasons why you might not want to contact the father of the baby while you’re considering adoption.
There have been cases of biological fathers contesting an adoption after the child has been placed for adoption, causing a lot of pain for all parties involved. Birth Mothers take a big risk when deciding on adoption without telling the Birth Father. Doing the right thing now and informing everyone involved can save a lot of trouble and misfortunes down the road.
Some fathers are supportive of the decision to place even when they’re out of the picture. Having his support during the process can be very helpful.
Here is a guide to talking to the father of your child about adoption in a way that makes him feel part of the decision making process:
- First, don’t be too hard on yourself. It isn’t your fault; it takes two to get pregnant.
- Choose a time when you can be alone with your baby’s father, or a time when you can talk to him in private on the phone. Tell him you took a pregnancy test and it came out positive.
- Resist the urge to fight or place blame. Tell him how you feel, but also listen to his thoughts too. He’ll likely be much more receptive if you show him you are considering his feelings.
- He may not want any involvement or he may want to support you on your adoption journey. Approach the conversation free of expectations.
- Talk about your options honestly. Remember, nobody can force you to have an abortion, place a baby with an adoptive family, or parent a child.
- Make sure he understands why you’ve chosen adoption, that he feels you’ve made him part of the decision-making process, and that you expect him to support your choice as best he can.
TELLING FAMILY & FRIENDSTalking about an adoption is truly a personal decision. Many women hide an unplanned pregnancy or an adoption, sometimes for years, choosing to spare their family members from the loss and avoid the risk of being rejected by the ones closest to them. However, family and friends may offer a great deal of support, which is important for Expectant Mothers. Understandably, circumstances don’t always allow for it. Only you know your unique situation.
If you do decide to ask your family and friends for support with this decision, here are some tips for approaching loved ones:
- Talking with an adoption professional first can help guide your conversation.
- Find a time when you can sit and talk comfortably and privately.
- Be completely honest. This conversation is an opportunity to demonstrate your level of maturity, and show that you are capable of making a well thought-out decision for you and your child.
- Prepare yourself for their reaction; they might be angry or shocked. Let them process any emotion that comes up.
- Once calm has been reestablished, tell them you are considering adoption and the reasons why—financial pressure, your age, you’re just not ready. Whatever the reason, remember, it’s an important enough reason to you, and this is your decision.
- And finally, ask them for their support.
Your family and friends may not know much about adoption. Their exposure may only be what they have seen on TV or read in the media. This information is often sensational and not the reality of adoption. You may find yourself educating them or learning about adoption together.