Birth Father Involvement: One Birth Mother’s Struggle

A negative experience with the birth father isn’t uncommon.

Like many other birth moms, I had a negative experience with the birth father. He acted like he didn’t care. He said one thing but did another. He was constantly telling me how much he loved me and his daughter, Josie. How badly he wanted to be her father. However, when it came down to co-pay, doctor visits and holding a job, he didn’t act upon any of it. The only good thing he did for me while I was pregnant was sign the papers after I pleaded with him.

With Josie I was induced, so I knew the birth date in advance. I told him the birth date three weeks beforehand so he could at least make an appearance. I waited and waited, but he never showed. I was heartbroken. Not for me, but for Josie. She deserved to know that her birth father wanted and loved her. However, he didn’t come. I was so frustrated, bitter, and livid.

This little girl deserved to meet her birth father.

I sent him a few pictures of her birth. He still doesn’t know where they live. The adoptive mom and I are not sure whether or not he knows their last name, but then he took the pictures I sent him and put them on his MySpace and captioned them with, “My little girl, she looks just like her daddy.” That infuriated me. What the heck did you do for her? Wouldn’t it have been nice to be able to actually hold her and have a picture of you together?

I was bitter for a long time and I couldn’t talk about him in a positive way. Then I started to think a lot about it. I don’t want Josie to ever feel as if she can’t ask me questions about her birth father. I know a lot about him and I think she should too. I couldn’t, for her sake, speak of him so negatively. I want Josie to love where she comes from. She shouldn’t grow up loathing her birth father just because I did. So I started trying to forgive him. I tried to look over all the horrible things he had done to me and towards me.

I began thinking about the positive things about Josie’s birth father:

  1. He signed the papers. He was a soldier in the military, so by law, he HAD to sign the papers to place. I found this out pretty far into my pregnancy and was panicked. After much pleading, crying, and logical conversation, he signed. Because of this, Josie is where she needs to be.
  2. He gave her beautiful eyes, beautiful curly hair, and beautiful skin. He made her gorgeous! Every time she smiles, she looks just like him. She is beautiful and for this I am grateful. I am sure she will be too.
  3. He gave her life. Without him, there would be no Josie. That is the greatest thing he ever did. This world would not be complete without her.

I wish that I could get him to answer some questions though.

  • What was it that made you decide to sign the papers in the end?
  • Do you regret not being more involved?
  • Do you wish you would have made the effort to come to the hospital?
  • Do you wish you could hold her and tell her how amazing she is?
  • Do you accept the adoption now?

I hope she will meet her birth father sometime.

One day I hope to meet him again and ask him these questions. They would bring me such closure. My heart hurts for him. I wish so badly that if Josie and her birth father do meet sometime, I can be there to witness that beautiful moment. I can honestly say that I would feel nothing but pure joy and happiness. I am sure I would cry, elated that he finally gets to meet her. It breaks my heart they haven’t yet. If I ever get to witness that day it will be a treasured moment.

He is a good person. I wish him the best in life. I know deep down he knows what is right.

By: Jessa

Written by Jason Granillo

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